New year’s resolution: No comparing!!!
I don’t usually like to make resolutions, but this year I REALLY want to work on not comparing myself to other people–one of many bad habits I (not being a saint) have. Such comparisons are usually a recipe for lowered feelings, and don’t do any good whatsoever. They don’t give me any motivation to change; they’re a subtle form of sabotage, and a not-so-subtle form of self-torture, usually ending in tears and the fetal position.
Dr. Low tells us “comparisons are odious”. Good word, odious, and very apt in this situation. Someone loses, someone “wins” (though it’s a hollow, symbolic victory) and because of my over-active imagination and assumption that I think I know what’s going on in other people’s supposedly ideal minds and lives, I’m usually on the losing end. All of which leads to lowered feelings and fearful temper in the form of self-pity and self-blame.
Dr. Low advises us that the only valid comparison we can make is to ourselves before we began to make mental health our top priority by practising Recovery techniques. So instead of comparing, I’m going to work on endorsing, thereby changing my insecure thoughts to secure ones. Happy new year to me!
I would really like to hear from other people: Have you come up with good ways to stop comparing yourself to others? Or is this not an issue for you (I promise not to compare myself to you 
)?
Two or three days of working on this. I realize I must excuse rather than accuse myself. And be realistic about how long it takes to change an entrenched habit, and thoughts I’m addicted to.
Pas Une Sainte - January 2, 2010 at 14:12 |
Hello Pas Une Sainte,
Have been away from blogging for months but had some time and the will to come back on today and have just read your excellent post; its “incomparable” (a joke). Seriously, it is very well written; comparisons is a strong link for me, too. I would say that fearful temper sometimes has been for me, in the past, a motivation to change but it is a lousy one that falls under its own weight and I then need to realize that self-dislike won’t help me change in a positive way while self-acceptance will provide that solid foundation for healthy change. What helps me with comparison? 1) To know is to know that I don’t know re. the insides of another human being or even my own because it is sometimes hard for me to see whatever goodness might be inside me 2) It is sabotage to discredit the initial improvement (i.e. my own improvement instead of focusing on the gap between where I am and “perfection”) 3) Here is one you might relate to: I have heard it said that the true definition of a saint is someone that is “perfectly human” i.e. someone who has deeply accepted themselves (vs. remaking themselves into some idea of perfection which is totally different)
All my best,
Cliff Brown
Cliff Brown - January 6, 2010 at 16:31 |
hi, Cliff, so nice to hear from you. You always know just what to say. I’ll be reading and re-reading your comments. About #3: Oh no–do I have to change my name now!?
PasUneSainte - January 6, 2010 at 23:30 |
One week in to my near year’s resolution… and it was a pretty rough week, which is average for many people going back to work after the holidays (at least most of the people I talked to). Unfortunately I did some indulging in the luxury of temper, allowing myself to have a meltdown or two, taking myself way too seriously. It felt like a setback, but that’s to be expected.
I need to be realistic about how much effort this is going to take, and keep endorsing.
PasUneSainte - January 9, 2010 at 21:09 |
This is a good post, P. I’ve been reading The Four Agreements by Ruiz, which has some good advice on this topic, building upon Dr. Low’s philosophies.
Doug - January 16, 2010 at 10:01 |
Thanks, Doug, I’ll look into that!
Pas Une Sainte - January 21, 2010 at 23:58 |
I really enjoy your Blog…I had a setback this weekend and it was really hard…I feel better Today YEAAAA.I wish I had the courage to Blog like you..My family seems like they don’t want to talk about Recovery…I get so excited to Share.Reading all the Blogs make me feel so Average when I feel so Below Average..Thank you so much…A Recovery Friend Jaylene (Utah)
Jaylene Finlayson - January 25, 2010 at 07:49 |
Hello, Jay, thanks for your comments! Setbacks are unfortunate but sounds like you did just fine–very endorseable. Tonight I’m sitting here wishing I could come up with something to write about, but I can see it’s not going to happen right now. And that’s OK/average.
.
Pas Une Sainte - January 25, 2010 at 20:57 |
well,
i think i am the worst at this business of averageness (undesirable exceptionality) – i found a statement that I wrote when i was 10 years old stating who I was, and that I was going to try to be the best tennis player in the world, and if I don’t get there, I will quit. I actually was a very good player, winning regional tournaments at ten and eleven – but I did in fact quit when I was 12. Probably because of this “must be the best” attitude. So it is deeply ingrained. Recovery has helped me to no end to help undo this competitive mindset that tears away at your fun. It is an addiction, but its worse because when the thoughts come it comes without any doing of our own. But it is here where we can change things. Our can move our thoughts and our muscles. I am now struggling with averageness and comparisons today. I need to write an article and i know i am not the most articulate person around yet I want so badly to be that “best” person that I am not. Sometimes temper blocks insight and you need a cooling off period to gain another, less competitive less comparing perspective. So i will try that now. Until then, I’m changing my thoughts and moving my muscles. Thanks for your post.
deirdre - February 12, 2010 at 10:47 |
hello, Deirdre, thanks so much for your comment. Hearing what others have to say is my favorite part of this blogging business. We’re all in this together (though between meetings it doesn’t always FEEL that way).
I see some humor when you say, “I am the worst at this business of averageness” Perhaps you could strive to be average at being average.
That’s a valuable observation about how it’s an addiction. And as you say, Dr. Low and Recovery give us the tools to deal with those impulses and thoughts. Try-fail-try-fail…..eventually succeed.
I hope you’ll work on the article in part acts and endorse yourself lots for the effort on each part. I can see just from what you wrote that you are articulate and can do it! I’m interested in hearing how it went.
endorsing,
Pas Une Sainte
An Average Person - February 13, 2010 at 10:24 |