Raindrops falling in a pond

I’ve been indulging in some angry temper lately, mostly the result of comparing myself to other people and coming out on the losing end (though with a bit of disappointment and frustration thrown in for good measure). Recovery teaches us that “one inner endorsement is worth a thousand outer endorsements” but it’s hard to overcome our society’s addiction to praise, to acknowledgement, to recognition. We live in a society that truly believes in external validation.

How to let go of the angry temper? Yes, I have to drop the judgement against others and myself. And change my mindset to “take the total view.” But for me, it always comes back to endorsing. Yet it is so hard to do (“simple but not easy” as the wise Dr. Low would say)–hard to remember and hard to believe it. But it really is the key to the kingdom, at least for me.

I’ve heard “self-love is the first love”. I’ve also heard that self-love is heretical–even if we don’t think of it that way, it seems that there’s something self-indulgent and wrong about endorsing ourselves. This kind of confusion is wearing. I think that’s why this quote from Vietnamese Buddhist monk “Thich Nhat Hanh” resonated with me when I saw it yesterday:

May I learn to look at myself with the eyes of understanding and love.

Giving ourselves as much respect, understanding and love as we strive to give others is a worthy goal. We can try, fail, try, fail, try again…and ultimately succeed. We need to nourish ourselves with endorsements, much the same way raindrops fill a pond–gently, slowly, persistently.

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